the boys

W loves cords.  He is absolutely enamored with them.  Anytime he can find a new one to play with, he does a little "chitter" with excitement.  And then promptly locates the end that is attached to some object and tries to either detach it or drag it along behind him.  And of course is frustrated when that something is too big to drag behind him.  Example: this morning they were up much earlier than usual and so breakfast was finished earlier too - and W wanted to be with me.  I took him to the office where I was working on the computer.  Lo and behold, he was able to flip the paper shredder over and proceeded to try dragging it around by its cord.  He didn't get very far in this endeavor and needless to say was extremely upset when I took it away from him.

For the first time last night, we witnessed both G & W riding their "vehicles" forward instead of backwards and/or instead of essentially walking with the vehicles under/between their legs.  Last night W was driving the rocketship and G was driving the tractor.  Lots of fun in the living room, driving between me & Jerry on opposite sides of the room.

We also took a family trip to Walmart yesterday.  The boys did pretty well, each in a separate cart.  I was with G, since W is typically so attached to me and I want to make sure G doesn't feel left out.  We had to stop by the tricycle department to give the boys a spin on those.  Their legs aren't quite long enough and I'm sure it'll be awhile before they can figure out the pedalling motion anyway.  But it was fun to see the boys sitting on trikes and imagine the future.  

a really good weekend

I didn't have a panic attack about my class this weekend!  The assignment wasn't as difficult as previous weeks and/or I'm getting used to the rhythm of the class.

I went out for dinner Saturday night with Kris, while Jeff and their kids spent time at our house with our boys and kept Jerry company as he finished cutting/laying tiles in the kitchen.

Yesterday I was able to go grocery shopping/errand running while all 3 boys slept.  :-)  Then came home to cook 3 things for the coming week: tuna hotdish, roasted rosemary/lemon chicken (Thanks, Pioneer Woman!), and slow cooker pork loin

Later on, Jerry and I worked on grouting the tile floor together.  I'd been waiting for that day for a loooong time - and it was finally here!  I love how it looks and it's just so much easier to deal with a finished kitchen floor.  Fun waking up to it this morning.

Meanwhile, I most importantly had a lot of good quality time with the boys interspersed with all of the above.  They've become very generous with hugs and kisses.  I'm loving the huge "arms around my neck, face buried into my shoulder/chest" hugs they're giving me lately.  The 18 month well child visit (in only 2 months - time is flying WAY TOO FAST) will ask whether they can stack blocks.  And since we didn't have blocks, I got some.  And they're loving them.  I also got another book for them - about the monkeys jumping on the bed, because I love that little song.  They're so curious about everything.  I got video last night of them inspecting every angle of the vacuum cleaner and figuring out the length of the cord (W!).  I love these little guys so much.

weekend update

We ended up having a really great weekend, though there were times in the midst of it when I felt the opposite.  Jerry was grumpy on Saturday night and that led to my feeling annoyed on top of the stress/anxiety I was feeling after spending most of the day researching/writing for my class.  But the rest of the weekend more than made up for that:

Fish Fry on Friday night - G is SOOOO his father's son, very friendly & flirty with all of the strangers within his scope of vision.  He even stretched his body out around to catch glimpses of extra people he could smile at.  It felt like he singlehandedly entertained the whole place!  The servers know us well by now and this week our server brought oyster crackers in little plastic cups to help keep the boys entertained.  It was just a really fun time, especially after having been sick last week.

Saturday morning we got to go over to Ethan's house to visit.  The boys played very well and for the most part stayed out of trouble and were happy to explore "safe" things.

Sunday morning I was up early @ 5:30, so I decided to just get up and do more research/writing.  Then after the boys woke up and we all had breakfast together and I folded some laundry, I went to go study @ Target's Starbucks and then @ Barnes and Noble once they opened.  And something clicked - I finally found my groove and wrote up my answer to our discussion question and posted it.  And an immediate weight was lifted.  Called up Jerry and came home to spend time together.  He told me the boys had fallen asleep together on the living room floor while playing - a first for them!  He even took video to capture the moment.  When I got home, they were awake so we played and did more laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, convinced Jerry it was time to let me cut his hair, organized the boys' room and organized the office.  Amazing what the release of stress can do for my motivation!!!

The four of us plus Grandma & Grandpa went to visit a family friend at hospice later on, thinking the boys are at a good age to give her encouragement.  It ended up going fine, despite my hesitation.  In fact, the boys had an awesome time exploring/running in the hallway after our visit.  They're not used to having such a large area to run around in.  There was precious laughing/giggling/chasing with each other going on.  Priceless.

To top it off, Jerry and I got to go on a little date, using a gift card to have dinner @ Buffalo Wild Wings and then shopping @ Walmart.  Whoo hoo!

angst

Angst...and anxiety!  I could probably blather on and on and ON and on about my struggles with anxiety.  But that would probably be boring and unproductive. It's been really difficult for me to get used to having "school" in my life.  I wanted to be challenged to think critically, since I do very little of that in my daily work life.  I wanted to have a goal that led to a more interesting, impactful, and valuable job.  BUT....but.....this is so hard.  I'm determined to at least make it through this class and do as well as I possibly can, but I just don't know that this is the kind of life I want to lead for the next 5 years.  I have to do some more thinking about the pros/cons, risks/benefits.  I don't want to look back on these boys' first years and wish that I'd had more time to spend with them and that the time that I actually DID spend with them didn't hold a background of angst about studying & writing papers, etc.  However, I know that this is my best and probably only real opportunity to pursue a master's degree and the better job and more money that goes along with it.  If I don't see it through, will I look back with regret, wondering why I didn't persevere and wishing that I had?

It's not like this is a HORRIBLE experience.  It's just that it's really difficult and it's made that much more difficult by my anxiety.  Must calm my mind and change the way I talk to myself.  ...sigh....

For context, G did come down with hand foot mouth disease this week and he seems to have a fairly bad case of it, with awful blisters on his palms & thighs and most likely mouth, based on the way he doesn't want to eat and puts his fingers in his mouth.  Maybe I need to give myself a little perspective and know that every week won't be like this.

hand foot mouth

So our little G suddenly had a fever yesterday morning and throughout the day it got up to 104.2 and he was looking pretty rough by the time I got home, so I took him right to the walk-in clinic in case it was an ear infection.  The diagnosis: hand-foot-mouth disease.  He'd been drooling a lot, but I assumed it was the molars he's teething right now.  Nope - the doctor looked at his palms and found a rash and saw 2 big sores in the upper back part of his throat.  Poor guy.  He was miserable.  Here's where I'm just amazed: even though the doctor warned us that last night was probably going to be miserable, the first time I heard the monitor was at 5 am when G started a little whimper cry.  He must love sleep/be amazingly good at putting himself back to sleep when he wakes.

This morning his fever was down to 99.9 and he seemed to feel better.  We still gave him Tylenol which he suddenly doesn't like (in the past, he's loved it so much that he's wanted to have some when he's seen W get a dose).  I wonder if it's mouth sores causing him to not want it - strange.

Jerry's update call this morning was that G is playing with W and fever at his diaper change was 98.6.  W's actually had the more interesting morning - he fell off his wooden riding horse and bashed the bottom of his chin.  Jerry says there was a lot of blood, which freaked him out, but it turned out to be just superficial and he doesn't even need a band-aid.

Between the two of them, it's a really good thing we did their pictures @ JCPenneys on Tuesday night, because yesterday & today would not have worked out!

another reason parenting is hard...

The emotional attachment to these little creatures who are amazing, incredible, so loving and adoring, all the while knowing that they're growing & changing (so fast!) on the path toward being tweens, adolescents, teenagers, adults. Getting used to (and reveling in!) arriving home after work to little arms raised up, wanting nothing more than my attention, loves, hugs, kisses, dancing in my arms - but knowing that I won't have this at some point in the future.  I guess it just feels so different than any other relationship. For example, it would have been so strange to be falling in love with Jerry and knowing all the while that eventually we would no longer have the same sort of loving interactions.  Of course I hope that the boys will always want affection from their mom in a certain form, but I know these days of innocent, unedited expressions of love are finite. And there's grief in that knowledge.  I'll love the men they'll be some day, but I'm going to miss the toddlers they are today.

(The bottles are "pretty much done" at this point. The last 2 nights they've had a sippy cup with milk before bed instead of a bottle and they've gone to sleep just fine.  Yesterday they had no bottles at all.  This morning, I had time to put change the boys's diapers and get them into their chairs for breakfast before I left for work and G was having a meltdown about not having a bottle - I've yet to hear from Jerry as to whether or not he had to give in & give a bottle).

parenting is hard.

W continues to giggle when we say "no".  It's so frustrating, because I don't know how to teach him that we're the parents, we're in charge, and when we say "no" that means he has to stop doing what he just did and not do it again.  Maybe he's unable to really understand those concepts very well yet, since he's only 15 months old (that's Jerry's opinion).  Of course my anxiety ridden brain jumps to the possibility that W is going to be a rebellious child who has no regard for authority and nothing we can think of to do will change that. I'm really hoping to find other moms who have struggled with this and made it through to the other side.  One of my main goals is to raise two kind & respectful boys.  How to accomplish this?

Then we have G who this morning had a complete meltdown and wouldn't stop freaking out when we tried to sit him in his chair to have breakfast. Yesterday he'd done just fine with the sippy cup instead of his beloved bottle with breakfast and so I had high hopes that this transition away from bottles was going well. Not so much.  He wouldn't settle down until we poured the milk into a bottle and gave that to him instead. Augh. I guess he might be a "strong willed child".

I'm trying not think about the fact that these two scenarios will pale in comparison to the future problems we're certain to encounter, probably sooner than we realize.  Good thing that these sweet boys also provide the biggest joys we've ever experienced.