Friday, February 7, 2014


Angst...and anxiety!  I could probably blather on and on and ON and on about my struggles with anxiety.  But that would probably be boring and unproductive. It's been really difficult for me to get used to having "school" in my life.  I wanted to be challenged to think critically, since I do very little of that in my daily work life.  I wanted to have a goal that led to a more interesting, impactful, and valuable job.  BUT....but.....this is so hard.  I'm determined to at least make it through this class and do as well as I possibly can, but I just don't know that this is the kind of life I want to lead for the next 5 years.  I have to do some more thinking about the pros/cons, risks/benefits.  I don't want to look back on these boys' first years and wish that I'd had more time to spend with them and that the time that I actually DID spend with them didn't hold a background of angst about studying & writing papers, etc.  However, I know that this is my best and probably only real opportunity to pursue a master's degree and the better job and more money that goes along with it.  If I don't see it through, will I look back with regret, wondering why I didn't persevere and wishing that I had?

It's not like this is a HORRIBLE experience.  It's just that it's really difficult and it's made that much more difficult by my anxiety.  Must calm my mind and change the way I talk to myself.  ...sigh....

For context, G did come down with hand foot mouth disease this week and he seems to have a fairly bad case of it, with awful blisters on his palms & thighs and most likely mouth, based on the way he doesn't want to eat and puts his fingers in his mouth.  Maybe I need to give myself a little perspective and know that every week won't be like this.

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